A reflection on purpose

Why do we do the things we do? Are we truly in control, or are we simply following a script handed to us by others?

Something as simple as being told to sit down often happens without a second thought. Why should I sit? What if I don’t want to? This seemingly small moment reflects a larger truth about how we live. Are these automatic decisions part of what it means to be civilized? Or are we merely conditioned to act without questioning?

Modern life feels paradoxical—fast yet monotonous, full of activity yet strangely hollow. We move forward, often on autopilot, chasing one goal after another. But why? What drives us?

Motivation, at its core, is the force that propels us toward something—an achievement, a reward, a sense of purpose. Yet, when we reach that goal, we immediately set our sights on the next. It’s a cycle that defines the modern world. Always striving, always reaching. Is this living, or are we just keeping busy to avoid confronting deeper questions?

And then, there’s suffering—an inevitable part of the journey. Sacrifice and struggle seem tied to motivation, as though they’re the price we must pay to move forward. I’ve found myself reflecting on these themes, especially after reading Lee Lozano’s Private Books. Her raw honesty and relentless questioning of herself captivated me. Her words resonate deeply, echoing my own desire to find clarity, to reach enlightenment, to feel like a complete artist.

But did she ever find that completeness? Was she fulfilled, or did she continue striving, like the rest of us? Her work burns with an intensity that suggests both torment and transcendence. It’s as though she illuminated the path she walked, even if she didn’t fully reach the destination.

Her words remind me of the delicate balance between suffering and hope. They leave me with a thought I can’t shake:

I will not suffer any more.

I will not suffer any.

I will not suffer.

I will not.

I will.

I.

I.

I.

For my mother.

— Lee Lozano, Private Book nr. 5